Monday, October 16, 2017

Upstanding

My silence
is more to do with social media
than a lack of ...

what... admission?

I am angry that I have to join in on the chorus of
#MeToo
and the tear inducing
#IBelieveYou

And while I hold my sisters in the space of love we embody
I reach out too to my brothers
my brothers in arms who are stepping out to say they too
have been on the receiving end of
sex
used as a weapon
sex
used as a tool
sex
used as a means to an end
sex
used as power
sex
used to trap
to hurt
to belittle
to wound

There's no way to make this better today
this goes far beyond a hashtag
far beyond
spreading the word
of how many we are

this doesn't end with

a scandal

a firing

a call out for change

this goes so damn deep

but I digress.

I haven't said #MeToo because I hate the fact that I can
I haven't said #MeToo because I hate the fact I didn't deserve it
I haven't said #MeToo because there's still shame
I haven't said #MeToo because I. Don't.  Want.  To.

I'm sorry for the pain
the pain that something that can and should be so loving
so beautiful
so amazing and joyful and fun
is used
and abused
in this way
by both sides

and always has been

and is allowed.

I'm sorry for anyone who is surprised by the voices
the chorus of strength
and support

I'm sorry if your view of the world has been bruised
by the truth of how so many people
are saying
#MeToo

So don't take my silence
as me being the 1 in 10.
Take my silence as me
keeping my cards
close to my chest
and me
wanting very much
to not be defined
by someone else's choice.

#BreakTheCycle

Thursday, August 31, 2017

D and D

D and D

There's an ache
when someone dies
especially when it's
unfair
unexpected
unkind

there's an ache
to make this all count
to not let them down
to live the best life
to live the best life they no longer have

there's an ache
a void
a hollow space so suddenly there

a missing
an empty space you didn't quite know they filled

the bubbles of regret
of missing the things you did not do
did not say
can no longer save for a rainy tomorrow
those bubbles float up from inside
and burst
painfully
with tears
and
hurt
and
sad sad sad

when death comes sudden
and unexpected
after years of hidden silence and unspoken pains
it knocks us all out
the one who goes
and the rest of us
who survive
who remain behind
a little less whole
a little less full

we sit, feeling the sadness of the missing
while waiting for the memories
the joys
the wonder of their life
to fill the space
where the bubbles pop
and the empty
without them
is

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

You Can't Hear The Laughter In My Head

I'm leaving pieces of myself everywhere
little strips ripped off when I'm not even looking
I pick them up
from time to time
then find another one
wonder that I didn't feel the catch
as it tore
I wander through these spaces
feel a tug, wonder why
and turn to see
yet another little piece of me
that's
left behind

come fix me
I shrug
and, this, this is other news
come fix me with hands
and pressure
and relax me back together
the big pieces
too tight
too taut
too large to be torn into strips
but you
you could fix me
I'm sure of this
but hey
we can't all be convenient I guess

I'll send you signals through the crowd
made with hands and spelled out in digits
letters
numbers
flash it twice and it's
time for us to go
everyone has a different take
and our story is ours
but even then
mine is not yours
and you
are only slightly mine

Sunday, September 18, 2016

I'm Not Comfortable In Heels

I wish you'd come and sit in silence with me
your presence enough for me to lean against

just be here
quietly
and hold me up
so I can ease
and breathe
and find that space of comfort
letting go

love used to be simpler
when we were children
when there wasn't such a need
when it was see and speak and know
and marriage was the first step
just like all the movies say

I see it's all relative
all of it
there is only the truth that I
separately
understand
alone

so I wrap myself around you
legs and arms and skin against skin we breathe into each other('s)
space 
no longer
separate
for a time
joined
entwined
not twisted
but curled
and curved together
eternally
externally
internally too

you can share a breath with someone
without losing your own

green, you say, green

gold, I say, gold
and

let me 
turn 
that 
up 
for you

new

Sunday, March 06, 2016

I Need A Break Now, Thanks

drunk on what was going to be
and all the love wrapped up and around and in between it all

decade after decade til this new one
I'd loved before
but never this
partly because I'd never been so clearly me before
I'd never been open
awakened
alive
before
and the love I met
found me in the depths of my expression
found me in the hauntings of my growth
found me sitting in the ripped out truth of a reality I'd lived by
saw the dirty and the dark bared open
wide open
raw and uncomfortable
shaken and groundless
drawn in part by the energy that flows
from the orange one
Svadhisthana 
the source flowing through and the energy that comes with that to make tales
and prayers of writing
spinning energy into words that channel outwards and upwards and sometimes they feel someone
and the love I met found me there
felt the words
from the place it all connects and was drawn to that
I was neutral
a word listener 
seeing an energy hidden, distant, protected, shielded 
and the front that is presented, unappealing
I got quiet
backed off
we made small plans, no expectations voiced, just felt.  hoped for.  prayed for with words that I did not make up
life flew them through me and something happened between that and the meeting because the unknown left me raw and uncomfortable
fear ran me ragged
trapped for a week away from calm 
travel home 
travel then what if
unexpected
now what
reach out and forget
and then arrival
and knowing
and feeling
and everything
the love I met was no longer a question
it was no longer a what if on either side it just was
it was a love
connection
and I am drunk on what it was and what it could have been might have been should have been 
a source connection
pure
so pure
beyond anything else it was just a this-is-it-we-are-meant-to-be 
together
we both knew it
without a doubt
it had found me
and then literally found me
and I knew it
without any fear
or uncertainty
this was everything
this combination
this connection
this togetherness
all we wanted was each other
all we needed was each other
each other's touch
each other's affection
each other's love
seeing each other
holding each other
watching each other
being with each other
together
talking
listening
laughing
It would have been enough without anything more but 
it became expressed through touch
and a sharing of bliss that felt eternal
where that touch both gave and received
and our energies danced above and around us, naked or not
a swirl of souls and spirit and energy between and from us and spiralling out from whatever we were and I knew
this was only the start of what we had both been needing to find
wanting to find
for a very long time
the way we fit together
two givers, collapsing into each other, finding that one who will give them what they crave and need and deserve, 
knowing equally that they will not be taken from, knowing this will be a relationship of balance
finally
the love they're so used to giving without return, often to fill an empty void
that love is being echoed back 
this was everything
for both of us
this was everything
to both of us
the love exchanged was pure and even
as much given as received
as much received as given
we took care of each other, we loved each other, we looked after each other, we thought of each other.  It was about us.  It was the most cyclical of relationships I've known
I made small sacrifices to be next to him more.  To be by his side, against his body, holding and being held by him where I was happiest, most comfortable; a most incredible feeling.
I was just me
and he was just him
and I was happy to sit and watch him be that
and to lie in the comfort of his space through the night
next to him
making love
sleeping deep
waking up
connected and close
so gentle
it would have been enough
to be connected by our energies, our love, our touch
but we found more
shared art forms
shared music
shared caring
shared planning
shared organizing
shared hosting
shared ease
shared smiles and laughs and quiet inside jokes
I was me
open
alive
on the edge of discovering that one step more
saw him as he is
golden angel winged
I got to see the inside
of what's true
behind the truth projected
sees as his purpose
I saw behind it all
and loved him for that
loved the tears
the hurt
the lost
loved the vulnerable
loved the scared
loved the gentle
and the love
that love found me
that soul found me
that spirit found me
that energy found me
that man found me
we both found what we needed
we both found what we wanted
we both found what we'd hoped for and dreamed for and asked for
It was there
and I loved it
and us
and him
and myself
so very much 
we were never meant to leave each others sides
ever
but he did, felt he had to
back to real life
plans already made
knew if he stayed
he would never leave
but he left us
then he left me
made it my fault
for triggering his past
which is his loss
for projecting
we were going to be
more than everything
we were meant to be
forever forward
God and Goddess
life, love, art, music, sex, intimacy, together, burning, making life imitate art
that was us
would have been
written in stone
I haven't changed
more me than I've been before now
drunk on what should have been
with the clouds
I think are mountains 
some days

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Return Release

Summer turns to Autumn turns to Winter turns to Spring
Spring turns to Summer turns to Autumn which is Fall
it's already been a season
a season in
stall
spin
stall
and I cho(o)se not to leave
the love being greater than the sum of its parts
and whole
wholly lost
not found
but taken for granted always to be there
no effort
fear 
afraid of all of it
effort
feeling
you can't ignore it and feel it at the same time 
the paths get dusty
the wires get twisted
it starts to leak together and that's all too much 
you feel
don't want to feel 
you
leave
run
go
and tell yourself how they stick like magnets
like crazy ones
the absurdity
your story
you 
throw yourself to the wolves 
to be devoured
cherished
treasured
and wonder why
blind as you make yourself
absurdity is drawn to you
teeth
canines
sharp
rancid breath
wet noses
the fog rolls in
carefully carefully managed
clear with one hand
cover with the other
reach for attention
then hide from it all
til it all slides closer

this
took away that 
which was both bad and good, good and bad
and a different kind of alone
to find the one
more you than you
the all of you
without the blinds
the less of you 
other life
other time
other space
him as well
and the last
compiled
deserved
yes it hurts
still bleeds
Winter now, Winter
time of endings
things die
stop
fade
pale
and there is beauty in that
a starkness
they call bleak
I crave the simplicity of it all
while deep inside
at the core 
at essence
the green growth of love curls into itself
hearts of pink and gold and green, purple, orange the colours not for you anymore
encased, Winter cold
I plant small things in your name
try less to miss that which isn't
wasn't
you turned to Winter too soon
I tried
I did
so did you
in your way


it wasn't you
it wasn't your shell
it wasn't the outer
it was the us
it was the essence the combination
it always will be
now
another
soon
after
Spring 
re growth

I'm sad
for the part of you
I still hope
is curled up
deep inside
waiting 
not ready
not able
this time
to encompass
it
honoured
the truth in you
you were seen
and cherished
and I would wish the pain on no one
would have fixed all of yours
if you had let me
body house
we both tried 
inside out
that that was
and I

I won't see you again
paths crossed
body made choice
head-run from fear and past loss
but love
angel-winged
greater than the sum of those parts
with me always now
strange methods
I see
pure as snow
that choice was lovely
I trust the next as well
it's not the shell
it's
greater than

hurry back
light led
beacon 
lit



Saturday, December 12, 2015

Time

there's who I do not want to be
and there's who I do not want to be 
anymore
and somewhere in between all that
is me
to be found and felt and learned
and who I am
and will be
and want to be and
I am adjusting

I am adjusting hard
to this
and to things I wish were different
but that are worth
aiming for

and it's all hard work
it's all a weighted slog through thickness pulling at me
creating drag
each step forward
heavy
long
tiring

I see the goal
the end
the lightening

step after step after no way I'm stopping here
this is it now
final push
hardest yet

knowing not
what the lightening of this load results in
knowing only
it is better
I'll be better
and there will be love there
more love than I knew existed
before I felt it
felt it
felt it
true

I've been in a time of growth
a forward momentum time for a decade now
ten years of positive movement
transition now
time of change
two years
a catalytic third
pushed to recognize
to see, accept, and know
then seen
and loved
as I let go of knowing what I thought I knew
became aware of
what
had held me back
first growth
then transition
now pushing through the last
not over
never over
quite
but new
anew
a
new
forever
figuring it out
as I get there
and it's such hard work
so hard
so hard
so hard
deep breath

alone
but not quite
some are there
others nearby
cheering me
cheering me
cheering me
on

catalytically speaking
pain
and trust
then love beyond
moving me forward
positively
forward
pain I did not know I could endure
now me

the slog
heavy heavy
it's dry in the desert though
love