Friday, January 05, 2018

Fair Shot

you came in wounded
dripping blood all over my heart
and started out with driving home the point of 
not ever
don't even breathe those words, that thought.
But you said sweet things
and I believed you
and you took on roles
and I believed you
and you held me close
and I believed you
and I
I lifted you up
and held you close
and I
believed in you
whole heartedly.

But we never had a chance.
We never had a shot at what's now been thrown away
and I put that on them
and you
and the lies you forgot to clarify
and you insult me regularly - daily
with your insistence on how everyone but me
is what I know I am
and what you shouldn't be stupid enough to miss

we were broken from the start
and now and again
we refresh
a slate not cleaned perhaps
but flipped 
and ready to be written on

Thursday, January 04, 2018

Getting Warm

I can't think of anything you could say
that would make me start to trust you again
I really can't
So while the hens sit and chitter to each other
cluck cluck clucking away about the grand meaning of it all
I sit here yelling at you in my head
too polite
too realistic
to yell at you anywhere else.

It was time you said you needed
so time you've had
a lifetime's worth
yet again
and meanwhile 
lives moved on
lives moved on
lives moved on and over and through and both nothing and everything has changed

both nothing and everything has changed


a word he keeps using 
and now I may have to turn towards you
if you have the audacity to want to be a friend now
Now?  After all the things said and not said
done and undone
after the way you spoke
and treated
and asked for things beyond what's fair
or kind
or nice at all

You were the one who told me you were grown up
and could play with the other side of the room
You were the one who told me
that this time, THIS time you meant it
for real
and I would be the one
you knew I was
for you
grown up


Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Signing A Death Warrant

You can't actually sign them
til the thing/
is dead
but you can write them up
before the death -
during the slow,
life altering

Four years
four years of knowing
four years of lies
four years of absolute bullshit
disguised as earnestness
when needed
when deemed necessary
when pushed to an edge
four years of this
a life shoved into a box
a champion betrayed
for a love
never to be understood
always to be pain filled
two children
so enraptured in their fairy tale
they ignore the carnage
their story leaves behind
Is this the point where I say the loss of you
has been overshadowed by the loss of myself
as I tried to keep you alive and well?
Is this the point
where I say the loss of what never was
splits evenly
between your deceit
and my hopefulness
and belief in what you're not
and likely never were?

Thursday, November 30, 2017

A Red One

You ran in with a fist full of flags
and told me one was mine.

"A Red One!" you yelled
and ran screaming from the field.

And I took you at your word
because I'm true to mine
but now I sit here 
wondering what you meant.

You see, I see 
my own humanity
and human-ness
and yes,
a distinct lack of perfection, 
I'm not holding any

so I'm confused
and wondering what you saw 
in these, my empty hands.

And from what I've heard from those around me
who look daily at my hands
empty of all 
ready to hold,
I think it was you
waving your own flags so hard and fast
and with a fury you seem to think means "truth"
that you didn't see
what was real
and true
and right in front of you.

Monday, November 27, 2017

See My Eyes I Can Hardly See

If I were to fill the page 
with photos for you to look at
I don't even know which ones I'd choose.

How to define this life
in chosen moments,

small echoes of the days I kept paper copies of beaches
always beaches 
and sand, 

lakes, dry and fluid

I am a coastal child
defined less by that than by the lack of images to mark these days.

I have spent so much time
listening to what I thought was right 
that I no longer have any words of my own.

On the outside
big words make people cringe when they know you
big words make people put up their walls
run away,
hide from things because they forget how short this all can be
in its length, in its duration,
they forget how quickly it can change,
days into hours into minutes

People die
people crash
people hurt
people leave
who else knows 
how hard it is to have all this love
and nowhere safe to put it

you know I love you
and I'm not allowed to say it
not supposed to feel it

we overcomplicate things
we do

love is love
and if we could all just live in that
even for moments a day
nothing else would matter so much
nothing else would twist us up so much.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

About That Thing

Sometimes when I'm with you I close my eyes
because you get too close to things -
or they seem to move towards us
boxing us in
and I don't want to panic

so I look away 
or close my eyes

I revel in the dark
and the ease of not seeing 

things get far too close

I worry too much
about things I can't control
and you
worry too little
about things that might not be

I'm not sitting where you're sitting
so everything looks different


less spacious

and from your seat
the world is bigger


I trust not
what I can't quite see

from my perspective

in these situations 
where you maneuver towards
big brick walls 
giant blocks of steel
I close my eyes
because it's all too close
and getting closer
and in the dark behind my eyelids
the tilt shift perspective
is entirely gone

so sometimes when I'm with you
I close my eyes

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

A Sword

You tell me
double blind, 
placebo controlled
while I'm making volcanos in my kitchen sink 
because you're not here to talk to

everything used to be simpler
in the times when we weren't there
and I fall in love at the drop of a hat
and let me tell you...
people are dropping hats
all over the place

eyes aren't windows
they're portals you can pass through
and souls shine out through opened eyes
and if you look carefully
you'll find that eyes 
are see

I dive into things
I dive into them 
and sometimes you 
have to remind 
to dive back out

metaphors are always mixing in my world
and words have more than one side - 
so "double edged" doesn't even begin to cover it

there are 
more stories 
than players
when words mean both nothing
and everything

there's a certain ease to the flow
but getting there isn't easy
double blind, 
placebo controlled
as we are