Thursday, November 30, 2017

A Red One

You ran in with a fist full of flags
and told me one was mine.

"A Red One!" you yelled
and ran screaming from the field.

And I took you at your word
because I'm true to mine
but now I sit here 
flag-less
wondering what you meant.

You see, I see 
my own humanity
and human-ness
and yes,
a distinct lack of perfection, 
but
flags?  
I'm not holding any

so I'm confused
and wondering what you saw 
in these, my empty hands.

And from what I've heard from those around me
who look daily at my hands
empty of all 
but
ready to hold,
I think it was you
waving your own flags so hard and fast
and with a fury you seem to think means "truth"
that you didn't see
what was real
and true
and right in front of you.

Monday, November 27, 2017

See My Eyes I Can Hardly See

If I were to fill the page 
with photos for you to look at
I don't even know which ones I'd choose.

How to define this life
in chosen moments,

small echoes of the days I kept paper copies of beaches
always beaches 
and sand, 

lakes, dry and fluid

I am a coastal child
defined less by that than by the lack of images to mark these days.

I have spent so much time
listening to what I thought was right 
that I no longer have any words of my own.

On the outside
big words make people cringe when they know you
big words make people put up their walls
run away,
hide from things because they forget how short this all can be
in its length, in its duration,
they forget how quickly it can change,
days into hours into minutes
gone.

People die
people crash
people hurt
people leave
who else knows 
how hard it is to have all this love
and nowhere safe to put it

you know I love you
and I'm not allowed to say it
not supposed to feel it

we overcomplicate things
we do

love is love
and if we could all just live in that
even for moments a day
nothing else would matter so much
nothing else would twist us up so much.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

About That Thing

Sometimes when I'm with you I close my eyes
because you get too close to things -
or they seem to move towards us
boxing us in
and I don't want to panic

so I look away 
or close my eyes

I revel in the dark
and the ease of not seeing 

things get far too close

I worry too much
about things I can't control
and you
worry too little
about things that might not be

I'm not sitting where you're sitting
so everything looks different

closer

less spacious

and from your seat
the world is bigger

easier

and
I trust not
what I can't quite see

from my perspective

so
in these situations 
where you maneuver towards
big brick walls 
and
around 
giant blocks of steel
I close my eyes
because it's all too close
and getting closer
and in the dark behind my eyelids
the tilt shift perspective
is entirely gone

so sometimes when I'm with you
I close my eyes

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

A Sword

You tell me
I'm 
double blind, 
placebo controlled
while I'm making volcanos in my kitchen sink 
because you're not here to talk to

everything used to be simpler
in the times when we weren't there
and I fall in love at the drop of a hat
and let me tell you...
people are dropping hats
all over the place

eyes aren't windows
they're portals you can pass through
and souls shine out through opened eyes
and if you look carefully
you'll find that eyes 
are see
through

I dive into things
into
people
into
feelings
into
lives
into
eternities
I dive into them 
and sometimes you 
have to remind 
me
to dive back out

metaphors are always mixing in my world
and words have more than one side - 
so "double edged" doesn't even begin to cover it

there are 
more stories 
than players
when words mean both nothing
and everything

there's a certain ease to the flow
but getting there isn't easy
double blind, 
placebo controlled
as we are

Sunday, November 05, 2017

The Dark Is Afraid of Truth

I leave your house in the dead of night,
scrape the frozen snow off my windscreen
as the racoons call to each other

listen, listen, listen.
I drive home,
the streets empty but for the taxis
and me.
A sad song plays on my car speakers
and I am mission-failed
and sleep deprived.
I wish I could stay calm long enough to not have to yell all the time
I wish you'd listen to the in-between of my words.
I can only push so hard
and the more you say you've 'got my back'
the harder I have to push
to make you go away. 
I'm getting pretty tired.
These dark nights of the soul are getting to me
and it hurts to think you've heard the screaming in my head.
I crave rest.
Like air,
like oxygen.
I have tried so hard.
So hard
always.
Always,
and always through the possibility of (at least) two truths,
two realities ,
and I shift between them;
struggling with the fact I can't be both wrong and right
yet I always seem to be.
How do you expect me to put one foot in front of the other when I've dragged myself this far, pushing you out towards some clarity
when I have none of my own?
I'm so tired
and I have nothing left;
tank empty,
running on fumes,
maybe not even that much.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Upstanding

My silence
is more to do with social media
than a lack of ...

what... admission?

I am angry that I have to join in on the chorus of
#MeToo
and the tear inducing
#IBelieveYou

And while I hold my sisters in the space of love we embody
I reach out too to my brothers
my brothers in arms who are stepping out to say they too
have been on the receiving end of
sex
used as a weapon
sex
used as a tool
sex
used as a means to an end
sex
used as power
sex
used to trap
to hurt
to belittle
to wound

There's no way to make this better today
this goes far beyond a hashtag
far beyond
spreading the word
of how many we are

this doesn't end with

a scandal

a firing

a call out for change

this goes so damn deep

but I digress.

I haven't said #MeToo because I hate the fact that I can
I haven't said #MeToo because I hate the fact I didn't deserve it
I haven't said #MeToo because there's still shame
I haven't said #MeToo because I. Don't.  Want.  To.

I'm sorry for the pain
the pain that something that can and should be so loving
so beautiful
so amazing and joyful and fun
is used
and abused
in this way
by both sides

and always has been

and is allowed.

I'm sorry for anyone who is surprised by the voices
the chorus of strength
and support

I'm sorry if your view of the world has been bruised
by the truth of how so many people
are saying
#MeToo

So don't take my silence
as me being the 1 in 10.
Take my silence as me
keeping my cards
close to my chest
and me
wanting very much
to not be defined
by someone else's choice.

#BreakTheCycle

Thursday, August 31, 2017

D and D

D and D

There's an ache
when someone dies
especially when it's
unfair
unexpected
unkind

there's an ache
to make this all count
to not let them down
to live the best life
to live the best life they no longer have

there's an ache
a void
a hollow space so suddenly there

a missing
an empty space you didn't quite know they filled

the bubbles of regret
of missing the things you did not do
did not say
can no longer save for a rainy tomorrow
those bubbles float up from inside
and burst
painfully
with tears
and
hurt
and
sad sad sad

when death comes sudden
and unexpected
after years of hidden silence and unspoken pains
it knocks us all out
the one who goes
and the rest of us
who survive
who remain behind
a little less whole
a little less full

we sit, feeling the sadness of the missing
while waiting for the memories
the joys
the wonder of their life
to fill the space
where the bubbles pop
and the empty
without them
is