Monday, August 11, 2014

The Bad Days

I get through the bad days better now
the days where he’s gone
pouring himself into work
the things where I’m not

I no longer drag myself through these days
I just
push myself through them
and wade through the anger that threatens to

I make statements to myself
nails in coffins
straws on hump-backed camels
and then I wake up in the morning
and the anger’s less deep

I’m floating on its surface and I just tell him
that hurt

I don’t know if he’s my forever
I don’t
because so much of who he is
is not what I need
at all
not even close
and maybe I am done
maybe my
patronage is over

and maybe my someone
is right around the corner
or maybe it’s all of us
some way
I can’t see
and don’t need to see

I don’t know

I don’t know
and on the bad days
I want to know
I try to know
I make mental notes on an endless chart of For and Against
and I wait to read it out to him
tallying up the marks that lead to the obvious conclusion that this is not for me

But I get through the bad days better now
and there have been fewer of them
and more good days
or at least neutral days
I don’t know if he’s my forever

but I also don’t know that he’s not

on the bad days I want and need to know

but on the good days, I just am

Thursday, August 07, 2014


You and I have a toxic relationship
we do
it’s clear to me
and I don’t think you care.

I crave you when things are bad
when I’m stressed
feeling broken
bored, even
I crave you then
and you’re so
available and
and I take you in
and you destroy me

Sure, I feel better in the moment
for that tiny moment
I’m lifted
for a moment it’s ok

But then I crash
you leave me feeling lower

And then I need more of you to head back up because the low isn’t fun

I’ve noticed that I don’t need you when I’m busy
when I’m busy and engaged
doing something
Didn’t want you at all at Burning Man
couldn’t really stand you when I tried
in the heat and the energy and all the everything that was there

Didn’t like you this weekend either
this busy
changing and emotional weekend
I barely touched you

And then I got home
and in my efforts to soothe and rest and recover from it all I came to you
I came to you and I let you in and I crashed
Because we have a toxic relationship

You hide in everything, this I know
but I also seek you out specifically
to get that rush I want
to taste you delighting my senses
and to feel your gifts
so many and varied
and to enjoy
pure and simple

But somehow it’s very clear to me now

A weekend away from you

Followed by a day of a LOT of you and I do not like how I feel

I do not like how you make me feel

I do not like our relationship and I want to break up.

This is hard for me
will be hard for me because you are everywhere
and have been everything to me
and I do not know how to quit you in those bad moments

I wish you weren’t so easy
I wish you weren’t something I so very much enjoy
and crave
I wish you didn’t exist
I wish I’d never met you
there’s the truth
I wish I’d never
met you in your purest form
never been
seduced by you
that you hadn’t been a part of my youth
my memories
my moments
I wish I had never met you

I feel like I’m in Brokeback Mountain; “I can’t quit you” springs to mind
Can I?
Can I let you go?
Move on from you?
Find better ways to cope?
Love you from afar, in gentler, healthier ways?

I need to let you go
I want to let you go
I don’t know how to do this

Cold Turkey’s never worked before
it may not be realistic for me to say “never again”
but I want you to leave me be
I want to leave you be
I don’t want to want you any more

I want to see you
have my eyes slide past you
and not feel a thing

I don’t want to feel like I need another hit
I don’t want to feel addicted
We have a toxic relationship
and I need you gone
but my house is full of you
you’re calling to me even as I write this
and I want you
even more than I don’t

I don’t know what to do
and everyone just tells me how easy it is to let you go
but they don’t know
they’re not me
they’re not us
I hate you
but you’re everything to me
and I hate that even more