Tuesday, September 30, 2014

After My Shower

I put his hoodie on to be warm

to carry him with me 
against my heart
to feel him near
against my skin
my hair
long and wet against the grey cotton blend of his hoodie
the fabric
slightly rough
against my shoulders
hips and breasts
held by my curves 

I put his hoodie on to be warm
to cover my nakedness
to have
something that belongs to him
on me
to remind me we are still connected 
by these threads

I put his hoodie on to be warm

and saw myself then in the mirror

but for his hoodie 
my legs the only skin exposed
(from toes to thighs)
the rest hidden

found myself suddenly 



my body
in something larger
and more masculine
than I'd usually wear
the sleeves too long
the length too short

I think it was the size of it
and seeing a visual representation
of how I feel when I'm with him
small and safe
comfortable and comforted in a way I can only describe as perfect

and then the knowing that were he here
he could lift up the bottom of his hoodie
to expose
what's barely hidden underneath 
and I

could then be
all his
naked and warm 

in his hoodie

Wednesday, September 17, 2014


Do you ever have those dreams where your teeth fall out?  And you just stand there, catching them in the palm of your hand as they fall and crumble, cascading out of what should have been your very solid gums?  In this dream you’re helpless.  All you do is watch the teeth collect in your hand and it's the most disturbing feeling; that you're decaying…and there’s nothing to be done because it’s happening, no matter your panic or desire to make it stop.

My entire self is falling apart right now.  I'm standing here watching parts of me crumble and fall to the ground and I'm bewildered as to what I should do.  

I keep picking the pieces back up off the ground to try to stick them back on only to have them crumble off again or sometimes even while still under my fingers and I keep looking up to see who'll help me but everyone's just walking on by because they can't see this happening.  No one’s noticing.  From the outside, I look just fine.

No one can see me crumbling apart and I am panicking because if it all falls away it might mean there's nothing left of me.  

Now, it might, alternately, mean the revealing of my Golden Buddha, (the covering having been chipped away enough to start to crumble) but either way it's unnerving.  I’m losing pieces of myself and as they slough off the process speeds up.  My eyes are getting whiter, my breathing is becoming more shallow; I am not handling this well. 

I’m in a ball right now, trying to use the pressure of what’s left of me to keep the remaining pieces on but they’re turning to dust and

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to get to the other side of this or even what other side there might be.  Or not.  This might be it somehow.

The End of Something.

I'm falling apart.  Crumbling.  I’m trying to hold it all together but it's quicksand beneath my fingers and I don't know what to do.


And I don't know what to do.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

A Beauty In The Bath

"A Beauty in the Bath"

I'd forgotten all about this shoot and this photo until last night.

Model: The lovely L.

Friday, September 12, 2014


I came back from Away
and things had tilt-shifted just enough
to not make sense

and this morning he went for work
to a
different Away
and I slid on his hoodie
and swam in it

it being large enough 
to swallow me up
the way I

would swallow him

I slid on his hoodie
naked against my skin
the same skin he caressed
and touched
and took an I.O.U out on
for continued
because he said it himself
it is my drug
his touch

and so I sat there this morning
the secret of his hoodie
wrapped around me

sure in myself
he loves me 
and is coming home
away from home
and I will slide against him
into his lap
but close
and quiet
and it's different with him

because I let it be

Saturday, September 06, 2014

A Grounding

We're learning each other.

Or perhaps, more truthfully, he's learning me

I woke up anxious the other day
Just... out of nowhere
first thought?  Worry

And I tried to put it away but it just wouldn't go... this free floating worry
and before I went home I asked if I could sit with him for a minute 
so we sat
and I started to cry as I told him I was worried about this and that
and the other and more and why and 
he took my wrist

He took my wrist and held it
and I took a deep breath

and settled

him holding me
grounded me
and I wasn't worried anymore
I was
drifting in a calm space

a most effective drug - his touch

and then later
once I had calmed
more significantly than I would have imagined
he reached over
stroked my cheek with a finger
and I melted into him

I felt as if I were a cat, 
the sun on my neck
his finger
gentle on my cheek, 
stroking, soothing, loving

all right with the world.