The Broken Bits

These are the times I bite my tongue

step carefully around the broken bits

calm myself

despite the hurt

anger

disappointment

because I want him to want to come to me

and me speaking my truth when it's bitter and fermented

won't draw him to me

will just 

relieve my frustration

for a moment

or two

until I realize he doesn't want to come to me right now no matter the words

be they sweet and spoken in love

or

bitter

and spoken in anger

so I swallow them

(the hurting words)

and instead let them swirl in my head

collecting others in their path

their vortex

growing exponentially

the words and thoughts getting angrier and angrier and all tangled up in each other until I can sleep it off

and sleep them away

These are the times I bite my tongue

don't send the angry words his way

I fight the thoughts myself

be they true or not

I fight them off

as they attack and attack and attack and I fight with my back against my own damn wall because then there's only one way for them to get at me

even though the wall itself stings

and bruises

and leaks bile onto me

I bite my tongue

take the angry back into myself

and save him

yet again

from something he doesn't know is there

Because either this is what you do 

when the one you love

is wading too deeply in the broken bits to take your angry words and smooth them out, sift them through the mesh of their heart and take you as you are on better days

or this is what you do

when you should be seeking more

elsewhere

just like the angry thoughts

keep telling you to do

but you're too stubborn

and scared

to do it