Thursday, June 11, 2015

In Waves

Anxiety, panic, fear, worry, it comes at me in waves
waves and waves and waves and my hands are full of electric shocks
and there's not enough air to breathe and I know I'm stuck inside it
but it takes too much
to move out
and away

attempt to distract
I try to breathe
I hold worry stones
imagine the fear being taken from me
but no
I'm curled around myself
tiny ball
wishing I could be elsewhere

"go outside" they say
go for a walk
sit by the beach
I can't make it that far
electric hands and lack of air and screaming in my head that it will all be bad bad bad and you've known it all along.

maybe I'll write about it
I tell myself
maybe I'll use those electric hands
to write it out maybe that'll fix it
windy day
waves of fear
soles of feet tingle whole other story


sit up
pushing through it doesn't make it go away
but do I have the energy to push myself
out from under the blanket?
maybe into street clothes?
maybe out to the crashing of the literal waves 
salt against the shore

shaking now
hands less electric but don't try to use them

I've reminded myself to be BIG
it makes sense in my brain 
being small makes the fear worse
but it takes over everything

life drains us sometimes
and then the energy it takes to wade out through the waves of fear isn't there
and the mind is so strong in the negative
it drowns out the whispers of
you'll be ok
because if X, Y, Z, I don't see how I could be
will be
would be

distract distract distract

was I born into this
or did it get nurtured into me
after time
after time

these moments last forever
and I'm supposed to fix them myself

fear is the mind killer yes yes yes but all I know
right now
is fear

and you can say you understand
but you're not here
and you're not me
so it's not ok
not ok

just make it through