Saturday, November 28, 2015


I remember waking up next to you
in that safe space that was us together
I remember waking up with you there
and wanting to watch you always.

In the quiet of those mornings
I wanted nothing more
than to hold your broken heart
gently and lovingly for the rest of time.
I felt you there for me
in a cyclical love that had no start point, it just was.

I remember
waking up with you
our heads sharing the pillow 
surrounded by softness
both literal and emotional
the light of the day seeping in through the blinds
and the two of us
being the whole world
everyone and everything else
secondary to the love we'd found in each other.

I remember waking up and knowing we were there
and nothing else mattering,
I remember waking up in your bed
and seeing your eyes
so soft
so full
smiling at me
little moments
us together

It's broken, love
and I can't fix it all
but thank you for your trust.
I will hold your heart
and the memory of what was and what might have been
and those mornings
quiet and still
soft and loved
in balance
in truth
I will hold it all
as you held me
and as we were
those mornings.
Soft and gentle and full of love.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The Darkest Evening

I understand desperation
have my own demons I fight with
around wanting to connect
needing to be needed
aching to fill the empty
with touch
and sex
and something meaningful
so I understand
wanting to fill the dark days
with someone
because it will distract from the quiet that being alone leaves you with
because those are the moments
when you'll have to numb numb numb
in order not to hear
what needs to be heard
and feel
what needs to be felt
but numb you will
one way or another
I see the appeal, I do
I numb myself

I dive in
I let the pain wash over me
as awful as that feels
as much as that makes me feel like death itself would be warmer
and easier
I dive in
I wade in it
sift through it
face it
so while I understand
I feel less and less of it
and I
will come out of this
the hard days mean something
and I will never blame for my discomfort
unlike you
stuck inside surface truths
I think you know better somewhere in there
I understand what you say
I understand why you say it
I hope your deflection
your avoidance
don't come back too harshly
don't slam you too hard against the truth
because I cared for you
in that space beyond these fears and lies
and I would hope
to see you back there
but I will not hold my breath
evidence suggests
your truth seeking expedition is not worth waiting
or hoping
maybe next time
maybe next round
maybe next life
I won't wait this time
but I think you know better
I really do
and I understand
why you are where you are
and why you did
what you did
knowing better

somewhere in there

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Mother Did It Need To Be So High?

I'm tired of mothers fucking up their sons
I'm tired of fathers
beating the shit out of their sons
taking out the anger
passed on through generations
it breaks things
it breaks people

I'm tired of broken women
wanting un-healed men
to fix them
and broken men
blaming un-healed women
for the pain they feel inside

we have to heal ourselves
we have to love each other
we have to let it in
we have to break it open
we have to end it
it starts within
it ends within
to do anything else
is selfish
and self-protective
and lets it just go on and on
and what kind of a life is that?
why are we here if not to make the change?

I'm tired of cycles staying whole
that should be broken
I'm tired of broken people
raising children
who grow into adults
who hurt each other
and make more children
who grow into adults
who don't know how to heal

I bet you think this song is about you, don't you?

Thursday, November 19, 2015

The Winter Of My Discontent

there's a bite in the air
the kind that makes me say "snow's coming"
although it never really is

I can't share words anymore
I don't want it to seem attention seeking
although it never really is

have you ever seen leaves spin upwards
the wind taking them in twists and whorls they didn't think to expect?
far from here your life is spinning onwards
mine is too
I suppose
although I know the truth of that
whereas your truth is held quieter
kept even, perhaps
from your own internal dialogue

I have words, you see
and colours
sensations and feelings
and energy to release
held in too long

there goes another leaf

it's me I can't figure out
spinning upwards
laughing, giddy
an intake of air as I try to grasp the nothing that I'm floating in

I am muzzled by my thinking
feeling that's the way to keep the peace with you
although it never really is

there's a bite in the air
the kind that makes me say "snow's coming"
although it never really is

Friday, November 06, 2015

And I Hope One Day To Forgive You

you turned away the possibility of connection
the knowledge that we would touch
and love
and intertwine our bodies and souls
naked and vulnerable
sighs and gasps and breath held
pleasure given and received

your fear
of repeating hurts
and discomforts
from your past
stole from us
from you
and me
those moments
those days
those times of connection
of intimacy
of love and love making
naked skin on skin
hands and fingers touching
gentle gentle
eliciting things never felt alone
such pleasure
true connection
a mingling of energies
pure bliss
not needing anything else

turned away from that
you gave it up
you took it away from us
you took away
the thing we both want most
in life

that love
that truth
that connection of hearts

Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Little Boy Lost

you hide your broken self so well
you think
you cover it with light and love
and words
carefully chosen
you're confused by the pull towards you
because you know what's underneath 
and are surprised 
at times frustrated 
that they want
you're so open hearted
but carefully shielded
and you push yourself ever onwards because stopping
means feeling
and feeling
is scary
and difficult
I know
I know 
keep it covered
easy now 
but I
I see your broken
your hurt
your wounding
your need
and I 
want to dig my hands into the middle of it
deep in your chest
I want to dig my hands into it
and mould it
shape it
change it
make it better
because I 
see the light underneath it all
through all your shit
light and golden
and I
see the way you are meant to be 
want to be
my hands
your dark
hurt no more
but man
trust is scary
I know
and scarier still when the ones you trusted
made it worse
added to
the hurt
the wounding
the broken and the dark
and all the ones drawn to you
take take take
give little
confounding you
time and again
am not them
I will never be
but you
need to trust
need to jump
need to know
this is an opportunity
who knows how many you will have
because somewhere
deep inside
you know it's true
and that scares you
brings all the dark up to the surface
which really
is when it's easiest
for me to reach
but harder for you to breathe through
and then there's this...
this truth that I should tell you
I see through you now
I always did
in a way
but now
in this
you've shown me more than you intended
and I see through your covers
and shields
I see through you
to you
that you you are
face the challenge
I promise it's worth it
you give too much
don't allow it in
but I felt the cracks
and I seeped in
you know this
you felt this
but another... you think you won't survive and so 
you pushed away
but I'm in there now
underneath it all
and if you won't let me dig into the dark
then the me
that is there
will fill the cracks
golden glow
I warned you
you know
and the part of you that wants to be more
saw me
knew me
felt me
and rejoiced
kept me close
and true
but hey
don't worry
I'll let you go
you started this
you ended this
I won't chase you
I know what we have
but if you know
and still won't do the work?
that's on you
and I deserve better
and you deserve more than what you're giving yourself
and how you're living
you started this
you needed me
you found me
and I understand fear
but I'm not it
I'm never it