The Darkest Evening

I understand desperation

have my own demons I fight with

around wanting to connect

needing to be needed

aching to fill the empty

with touch

and sex

and something meaningful

so I understand

wanting to fill the dark days

with someone

anyone

something

because it will distract from the quiet that being alone leaves you with

because those are the moments

when you'll have to numb numb numb

in order not to hear

what needs to be heard

and feel

what needs to be felt

but numb you will

one way or another

chemically

physically

emotionally

I see the appeal, I do

I numb myself

mentally

but 

I dive in

I let the pain wash over me

as awful as that feels

as much as that makes me feel like death itself would be warmer

and easier

I dive in

I wade in it

sift through it

face it

so while I understand

desperation

I feel less and less of it

and I

will come out of this

better

the hard days mean something

and I will never blame for my discomfort

unlike you

stuck inside surface truths

I think you know better somewhere in there

I understand what you say

I understand why you say it

I hope your deflection

your avoidance

don't come back too harshly

don't slam you too hard against the truth

because I cared for you

in that space beyond these fears and lies

and I would hope

to see you back there

but I will not hold my breath

evidence suggests

your truth seeking expedition is not worth waiting

or hoping

for

maybe next time

maybe next round

maybe next life

I won't wait this time

but I think you know better

I really do

and I understand

why you are where you are

and why you did

what you did

despite

knowing better

somewhere in there