Saturday, December 26, 2015

Return Release

Summer turns to Autumn turns to Winter turns to Spring
Spring turns to Summer turns to Autumn which is Fall
it's already been a season
a season in
stall
spin
stall
and I cho(o)se not to leave
the love being greater than the sum of its parts
and whole
wholly lost
not found
but taken for granted always to be there
no effort
fear 
afraid of all of it
effort
feeling
you can't ignore it and feel it at the same time 
the paths get dusty
the wires get twisted
it starts to leak together and that's all too much 
you feel
don't want to feel 
you
leave
run
go
and tell yourself how they stick like magnets
like crazy ones
the absurdity
your story
you 
throw yourself to the wolves 
to be devoured
cherished
treasured
and wonder why
blind as you make yourself
absurdity is drawn to you
teeth
canines
sharp
rancid breath
wet noses
the fog rolls in
carefully carefully managed
clear with one hand
cover with the other
reach for attention
then hide from it all
til it all slides closer

this
took away that 
which was both bad and good, good and bad
and a different kind of alone
to find the one
more you than you
the all of you
without the blinds
the less of you 
other life
other time
other space
him as well
and the last
compiled
deserved
yes it hurts
still bleeds
Winter now, Winter
time of endings
things die
stop
fade
pale
and there is beauty in that
a starkness
they call bleak
I crave the simplicity of it all
while deep inside
at the core 
at essence
the green growth of love curls into itself
hearts of pink and gold and green, purple, orange the colours not for you anymore
encased, Winter cold
I plant small things in your name
try less to miss that which isn't
wasn't
you turned to Winter too soon
I tried
I did
so did you
in your way


it wasn't you
it wasn't your shell
it wasn't the outer
it was the us
it was the essence the combination
it always will be
now
another
soon
after
Spring 
re growth

I'm sad
for the part of you
I still hope
is curled up
deep inside
waiting 
not ready
not able
this time
to encompass
it
honoured
the truth in you
you were seen
and cherished
and I would wish the pain on no one
would have fixed all of yours
if you had let me
body house
we both tried 
inside out
that that was
and I

I won't see you again
paths crossed
body made choice
head-run from fear and past loss
but love
angel-winged
greater than the sum of those parts
with me always now
strange methods
I see
pure as snow
that choice was lovely
I trust the next as well
it's not the shell
it's
greater than

hurry back
light led
beacon 
lit



Saturday, December 12, 2015

Time

there's who I do not want to be
and there's who I do not want to be 
anymore
and somewhere in between all that
is me
to be found and felt and learned
and who I am
and will be
and want to be and
I am adjusting

I am adjusting hard
to this
and to things I wish were different
but that are worth
aiming for

and it's all hard work
it's all a weighted slog through thickness pulling at me
creating drag
each step forward
heavy
long
tiring

I see the goal
the end
the lightening

step after step after no way I'm stopping here
this is it now
final push
hardest yet

knowing not
what the lightening of this load results in
knowing only
it is better
I'll be better
and there will be love there
more love than I knew existed
before I felt it
felt it
felt it
true

I've been in a time of growth
a forward momentum time for a decade now
ten years of positive movement
transition now
time of change
two years
a catalytic third
pushed to recognize
to see, accept, and know
then seen
and loved
as I let go of knowing what I thought I knew
became aware of
what
had held me back
first growth
then transition
now pushing through the last
not over
never over
quite
but new
anew
a
new
forever
figuring it out
as I get there
and it's such hard work
so hard
so hard
so hard
deep breath

alone
but not quite
some are there
others nearby
cheering me
cheering me
cheering me
on

catalytically speaking
pain
and trust
then love beyond
moving me forward
positively
forward
pain I did not know I could endure
now me

the slog
heavy heavy
it's dry in the desert though
love



Friday, December 04, 2015

Even If You Can't

the late afternoon light is falling sideways
catching the leaves on fire
as a half moon hangs in the sky 

I would have loved you forever
but you saved me the trouble
so if she asks you again
point her in my direction
because I have the answers to her question now
my insight into you
being clearer than either of us ever intended it to be

there's a difference between what you said
and what you're doing
but you're allowed to do what you want
that's your right
and I'm allowed to forgive myself
for loving you beyond the scope of who you are right now

I'm allowed to forgive myself
for seeing more
in the name of love
and I'm allowed to forgive myself
for believing the best of someone
who is not ready to be that
yet

I'm allowed to give myself credit
for holding my tongue
and allowing what will come
to teach you
what you wouldn't learn 
from me
with love

because that's what I know
that's what I know best
and let me be real
I can't take it back
moons wax and wane
leaves denude the trees for winter
but I will love you always
despite it all
and I don't know yet 
if that's my greatest strength
or biggest failing